6 Guy You Date Before Finding The One- SW Edition
Every time I date a new guy, within a week I guarantee I’m googling some question searching for an answer on what’s considered “normal” for my particular query. I second guess myself, a lot. More so when I’m in a relationship with a civilian (non-sex worker) and since I’ve only dated one industry dude ever, most of them fall under that category. Civies... I say that word almost with a whisper. It carries weight every sexworker feels, the heavy burden of societal shame and guilt and projections of people’s unhealed traumas onto you and your work.
Ok.... deeeeep breath everyone!
In. . . . . . . . . .
and Out. . . . . . .
Feeling better? I know, this subject hits close to home for many of my fellow sisters and brothers. That’s why I thought it would be fun to do with this little rascal what we do with most of our pain around not being valued or understood for the amazing powerful individuals we are... laugh about it! Hey, we don’t give a fuck what they think, REMEMBER?!
Except we do because they are taking away our personal freedom and body autonomy and right to healthcare and sexual education piece by carefully planned piece.
Oops, I did it again!
Ok now let’s fucking laugh. Below are the 5 guys you will date before finding The One, Sex Worker Edition. Send me your stories, let's laugh together! I know I’m not the only one with cringeworthy experiences! I write this from my perspective as a cis woman interested in cis men, yet I hope all SW (and yes even you civilians) can find some humor and relate to this article. XO Lily
1) The One, that got away-
He’s got it together, he’s older, has his own business, and treats you like a lady. But, how could he be interested in a sex worker? He must be a secret perv, or a pedo, but actually no, whatever, he’s fine. But, I am an independent woman and I am at the peak of my sexual expression and I’m just not ready for that level of commitment. Plus we wouldn’t relate on like, any pop culture references. I’m sure he fucks dogs. Wow, dark, I wonder where that extreme level of fear and misplaced judgement is coming from? Forget it. It’s him who has a problem. Definitely whatever my heart says, just listen to your brain. Don’t text him back! Plus, he’s so confident and smart and has high self esteem, what is there for me to fix or obsess over? Will I finally have to face my own traumas and fears look at myself in the mirror? Definitely not ready for that level of commitment. Next.
2) The Open Minded Guy-
Speaking of independence! I’m a sex worker hear me openly talk about my desires and boundaries for this relationship as I see it and listen openly and without judgement to your boundaries and desires so we can love each other fully and with compassion. -an older and wiser SW than me. All around me I see open, poly, non-monogamous relationships that are thriving between people who love and care for each other and I can’t even set up a tinder date because I’m scared they’ll ask me about my work. Or worse, that I’ll find someone who is open minded enough to discuss an open relationship and we start dating and fall in love and suddenly all my previous desires for independence and personal boundaries will crumble beneath this overwhelming love and desire to be in love. So instead of visiting my friends and continuing to have a balanced healthy life, I will slowly lose touch with all of that to make sure I have time with, him. Sure we say we are in an open relationship but with time we both realize that we’re now in a committed relationship because neither could enforce personal boundaries and desires and felt too conditioned by society and friends to actually maintain the honest communication necessary for an open relationship.
3) The DJ-
Ugh, too many DJs. My head spins like their Vinyls, and my heart feels like that whitcha whitcha wah whaah whiplash as Im goin back and forth with my thoughts wondering if this person is healthy for me or just so much fun? Sexy Worker+DJ= open communication about sexual partners because clearly you’re both fucking other people, fun nights out together drinking and celebrating a successful evening, and many different beautiful talented friends.
No it doesn’t. That equation is wrong!! The DJ is the new tortured artist, they are on the road 24/7 socializing with fans, drinking, partying, and networking. Constantly looked at to perform on and off stage, and mocked if they don’t perform correctly. The need for approval mixed with booze and lack of a proper sleep schedule, it does a fucking number, man. And as a woman the need to care for and love and fix is so strong they’re like magnets. Beautiful fun, making you laugh always magnets of secret death. Don’t look at the light! I can’t help it it’s so beautiful- zzzzaaappppp! ........................Exactly.
4) The Savior-
He wants to save you from porn, he knows you’re better than that. He can support you and you never have to work a day on your back again. He wants to marry you, have kids with you. Take away your independence and then never speak about your past as a whore ever again. And don’t wear those slutty outfits, you know people are already going to judge you. Don’t be mad about the gossiping, you chose to do that career, of course he won’t stand up for you in front of his friends, he’s embarrassed enough already! But in case you forgot, he will remind you every chance he gets of that career.* I can’t believe I married a slut, fucking prostitute.* You leave him, and find a new profound love and desire for your job as a sex worker and again regain love and acceptance for your body and your career launching you forward into your first big comeback! It feels kinda like you’re smiling in slow motion with your middle finger raised proudly in the sky!
5) The Catholic -
No I don’t hate Catholics, let me just stop you right there before you get all huffy puffy and prepare your hate fingers. I’m all about personal freedom, you do you. But, The Catholic, is way more catchy than, the guy with a whore/virgin mother complex, which is not very catchy, but very catholic, yet could also apply to a lot of modern religions. So, this guy! He thinks you’re good enough to fuck, but not to meet his friends or ever be considered actual wife material. You’re a ho? You realize this the last time you visit him and watch every, single, movie, in the lord of the rings series, not talking then have sex and leave. And funny thing is, he’s a way bigger ho than you! But so uncomfortable with any person in his immediate life knowing this, that he keeps the two separate physically and mentally. He will cheat on his future wife, many, many, times and blame sinful women. They will stay married. And all you can think is damn, I gave that shit away for free.
6) The Other Sex Worker-
What freedom these lips doth taste, thine beautiful wind which caress thouth private’s like a comforting river of acceptance? Haha I totally just made that up. But that’s exactly how it feels to date another person who is in the sex industry. The honestly! The openness! The jealousy? Wait. No, I love him! I’m happy he’s working all the time making money while I’m over here rubbing monistat on my vagina for the 3rd time this month. We have so much in common with our jobs, and our work, and our business, and co-workers, and... even if we don’t have the same aesthetic, or spiritual beliefs, or goals in life we both love making money! And the honesty the openness, I can’t find this level in a normal person! Come back! Why? Why did douth départ from mine life, mineth beautiful dark sparrow? Because you left him because you realized you were too fucking different.
7) The One-
It was you. You knew this. You still know this. You are the only person who can make your heart and life joyful. You are the only person who can heal your wounds and past traumas. You are the only person who can make you feel powerful and happy with who you are inside. Sorry if you feel robbed of some profound answer or like I ripped this from a self help book. Cause I totally did. Because they all say the same damn thing!!!! Independence is more than just career. Are you independent of your emotions, your addictions, your coping mechanisms? If you said yes, fuck yeah! High five! You know it’s an ongoing process and that success is a daily endeavor! You realize there is no end to learning to love yourself more fully or deeply in this lifetime and by doing so you love more fully and deeply those around you! Good job you! However if you answered no, don’t worry. All we can do is keep learning and moving forward. So when we do find a partner who really syncs with our life and desires, we’re emotionally and personally ready, and fucking rich cause we worked our fucking asses off and didn’t get fucking distracted by stupid fucking fuck bois!
Thanks for reading.