My Swiss Romance
Updated: Mar 13, 2019
It’s the land of sweet water, legal prostitution, watches, and Nestle. I’ve been living part time I’m Switzerland for over two years now. I’m in love. Like a new relationship I was scared, nervous at first, trying to convince myself that I didn’t want it. But I do love Europe. I have been traveling here since I was 19, spending all my money earned through porn to visit friends in various countries. It’s as peaceful as it is challenging, living abroad. The spectrum of emotions have been wide and felt deeply.
It’s been a long road. I’ve fucked many men and women to support my lifestyle; I realize I am privileged to do what I do and make the money I make. Still, my life is not that easy. For almost 10 years I’ve been using my body to make money, my sexual energy bought for a high price. I’ve learned (I am learning) how to diversify my income so I don’t get hit quite as hard when work is slow. But almost nothing in this business is consistent and that reflects in all areas of my life.
I am fully aware of what my job is, for so long it’s been a refuge, my comfort zone, a place I could go and socialize and be with weird quirky characters spending the days laughing and enjoying each other’s company. A job where I was consistently having life changing sexual experiences that would take thousands of dollars to orchestrate in my private life. We are the rejects of the rejects of society and I absolutely love that, but my body, mind and my soul are tired. I haven’t had stability for so long. My soul is craving more.
Having a strong independent mother, I attract strong independent women as friends. I love them all because they are so unique. With Lou, my roommate in Switzerland who is also retired from the biz, there’s always been this strong pull from the universe that we are meant to do something together, maybe even just live, but we are meant to be in each other’s lives. The connection is so deep and goes beyond us entirely. We create safe space for each other to talk about our pasts, our future, health, social stigmas, interacting with strangers, navigating the world as Ex-Porn Actresses, new ways to make money, spirituality, you name it, no subjects are taboo between us.
I met Lou Charmelle in Los Angeles, California July 4th 2010. I was 19 and had been in porn about a year. Lou gained a lot of success in France and Europe and was able to come to the United States for a few months to work. It was her first time in the US and she barely spoke a word of English but even our mutual agent, Mark Spiegler knew we would soon be good friends. Fate stepped in to secure this relationship again when my friend, soon to be lover, The T. A. and her friend, OS did a music video together in LA. While making plans we were shocked to realize when referring to our “friends” we would meet later in the week we were actually talking about the same people!
We spent amazing days all together, the guys filmed their music video, we went out partying in Los Angeles, I fell in love with my first DJ (but oh god, not that last) and I also had my little 19 year old heart broken by him. I can never be completely mad at the DJ for being such a dirtbag though, because he’s a part of my story, he’s part of why I met and bonded with Lou, he’s part of why I love Europe.
When I flew out to see The T.A. in 2010 I was feeling so madly in love! In Paris, my first time out of the country as an adult, every second feeling like a fucking dream. The sweet things he said to me in french, the romance, the heartache, the culture, the history, and the love, oh the love, everything imprinted on me this overwhelming desire for more. I needed more of this magical place. Our relationship crashed and burned but my love for Europe ignited.
Thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of experiences, hundreds of friends, countless attempted “legit” businesses, and a couple of boyfriends later, here I am, sitting in my Swiss lover’s bed trying to convince myself that moving full time to Switzerland is a good idea. That leaving my work my family and everything I know is a smart move. That the safety and security I feel here is worth more than the discomfort of adjusting to a new language and culture. And finally, that the fans I’ve so lovingly acquired over the years will support me in this new chapter and will be happy for me.
My actions show me that I’ve already made my decision, but my head and my heart can’t seem to agree. As a sex worker life can feel like an uphill battle, small hills look like mountains, and big hills, well they can seem impossible to climb. The world tells us that we can’t be more, our place is beneath society, we are whores and are not worth anything. My heart tells me I am here to help the world and with this new change in scenery I will have more opportunities to do so.
I can’t find a reason to stay in my comfort zone any longer. New horizons are calling me and it’s time to step into my new life. I’ve been living off and on in Switzerland for almost two years, playing the 90 days game so I don’t overstay my tourist visa. Yeah, I’m terrified, and I’m still inching forward supported greatly by my friends, family and of course my fans. That's all that matters to me.